Me Credit

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Dear E-

I have heard self effacing, self- hatred and not comfortable in my own skin. Here is to a vow that I will stop making myself my own worst enemy. Ode to Tuesday now becomes the things to celebrate blog.  Roses and thorns perhaps.
Today’s List-
We went to the congressional baseball game fun times connecting with old friends.
I am grateful to have worked with some really great people.
I learned about people in China who dye their dogs to look like puppies.

Goal is to focus: Focus my thinking to be sharp and high level thinker or tinkerer.

Any insights on where this deep self effacement comes from? And the best way to gain confidence by osmosis? Work or achievement.
Let’s starting giving ourselves credit. Me credit.
What is it going to take?
It may take me recognize that I am actually a standout guy. Next time I may have to list the reasons.

-B

Dear B,

I have always been puzzled about your self-effacement because you’ve always been a standout guy to me, even as a toddler. Perhaps your lack of confidence comes from not feeling free to declare your full self until last year. Now that you see that the ones you care about most can accept you and love you fully for being your whole self, perhaps you can start to believe that you are even more than OK. I think that is what it will take–not work or achievement–but an inner focus and belief. In the end, we can only be the people we believe we are. Like happiness, confidence is an inside job. No external cues and nothing that I or anyone else can say to you, can instill self-confidence. It’s not about measuring; it’s about believing. You were placed here on this earth to express your full self: speak in a full voice, take up space, blossom in full color, learn how to be the best you that you can be. Give yourself to the world–you have a wonderful self to give.

I love it that you are focusing on positive things!

Love,

Auntie E

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Here, Me Roar

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7/11/11 –There were free slurpees today but they ran out.

Dear E,

Ok, here is a pre-Tuesday slide show for you.

I can’t always say why but each image has something that reminds me of you. My favorite is the “Here, me roar”. When I saw it scrawled in the New York subway, it was tempting to go into an autocorrect mode and laugh at my grammatical superiority. “Surely, it must be hear me roar, poor lug never learned his homonyms.”

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Well, I gave it a little more thought and decided that it was not a grammatical error—but rather a bold declaration. Here, I stand to roar on the subway platform. Take up some space and scream a bit at the urban chaos.

The others, well might speak for themselves- a pork roast rolled with homemade olive tapenade, Ichiro.

The word clouds or lists are taken from Google’s autocomplete option on its search engine. To me, they offer simple wonderful amusing insight on life and modern anxiety, standing as their own mini poem of sorts. Glorified list is perhaps a better explanation but I love them.

-B

How Easy It is and How Fun To Be

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Ode to Tuesday 3149

Dear B,

Still in Alaska. Today we drove to the Kenai Wildlife Refuge and walked a couple of miles on the lake there. It was the first time I’ve had a long walk and I was so ready for it. Life here in the winter is very sedentary. Things are going well though. I’m not going crazy living with someone 24/7 in a small space. I’ve been reading through old journals and writing scraps trying to prime the pump to start writing seriously again. I keep running into excerpts of my early life with B and one of the themes that keeps repeating is how easy it is and how fun to be with him. That is still true, after 35 years. Some of the other more painful issues are still alive though also. Sigh. Is settling for a half-hearted relationship that is fun and committed but not passionate on his part better than nothing at all? Will I always be seeing and longing for how much more there could be? Big, hard questions. And of course, Ms. Emotional Intelligence here wants to work it all out right now. You’ll be happy to know I’ve refrained–but it is hard to let things slide and manage my anxiety. Today I decided to give it a year and see where we are. In the meantime, I am pledging to worship joy not pain. I really wish B were still alive. I would so much like to talk to her about all of this. I’m really out of elders now, and I need them.

Love,

Auntie E