Ode to Tuesday 3149

Dear B,

Still in Alaska. Today we drove to the Kenai Wildlife Refuge and walked a couple of miles on the lake there. It was the first time I’ve had a long walk and I was so ready for it. Life here in the winter is very sedentary. Things are going well though. I’m not going crazy living with someone 24/7 in a small space. I’ve been reading through old journals and writing scraps trying to prime the pump to start writing seriously again. I keep running into excerpts of my early life with B and one of the themes that keeps repeating is how easy it is and how fun to be with him. That is still true, after 35 years. Some of the other more painful issues are still alive though also. Sigh. Is settling for a half-hearted relationship that is fun and committed but not passionate on his part better than nothing at all? Will I always be seeing and longing for how much more there could be? Big, hard questions. And of course, Ms. Emotional Intelligence here wants to work it all out right now. You’ll be happy to know I’ve refrained–but it is hard to let things slide and manage my anxiety. Today I decided to give it a year and see where we are. In the meantime, I am pledging to worship joy not pain. I really wish B were still alive. I would so much like to talk to her about all of this. I’m really out of elders now, and I need them.

Love,

Auntie E

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